Something fishy in the cereal seas

Here is a photo I took while grocery shopping recently: two identical boxes of Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch. Or are they?

On closer inspection, one of them appears to be — can it be? — a healthier option than the other!

Fewer calories! Less sugar! (Maybe “healthier” is overstating it. “Less nutritionally appalling”?)

But on even closer inspection…

Perhaps this is what Crunchatize Me, Cap’n means. As in, “Crunchatize me once, shame on you. Crunchatize me twice, shame on me.”

A math question for the ages: if a one-cup serving of Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch contains one gram of saturated fat, and that gram is 5% of your recommended daily value, how much saturated fat is in a 3/4-cup serving, and how much of your daily value is that? Any sea captain willing to round the answers to 0.5 and 4% is one I would not trust to steer clear of the shoals.

Honestly I shouldn’t be surprised. It isn’t even the real Cap’n, that mellow avuncular mariner of yesteryear. Whatever this manic impostor has done with him, I know my Cap’n would never resort to such piratical skulduggery.